What I love about having crazy-ass runner friends: they think nothing of calling you up at 10 am on a summer morning in the desert and asking you to go on a spur-of-the-moment run in monsoon season....and I think nothing of saying, "of course!"

We headed out to Douglas Springs trailhead at the end of Speedway Blvd out near Saguaro National Park East. Mo wanted to head back to Bridal Veil falls and I wanted to experiment with my knee. It was soon apparent that Mo and Daniel were in much better shape than me, so I told them to take off to the falls - I'd turn around whenever they caught back up to me.

It was hot and muggy (noon in the desert in summer), and I'd forgotten sunscreen. The clouds danced with the sun, threatening rain (please, please! I begged), and giving wonderful cool breezes and shade at times. I was doing okay by myself, hiking mostly (up, up, up!), when I heard something big in the bushes nearby. I stopped. It stopped. I walked again. It walked again.

Mountain lion country, is all I could think.

I froze. It froze. I didn't move a muscle for five minutes. Neither did it. I slowly reached down and grabbed a rock, then lifted both arms in the air and started backing slowly down the trail. (Make yourself as big as possible, so you don't look like an easy target; walk slowly, don't run.)

Down the trail a bit I felt better, but I still didn't let go of the rock! I jogged bit once I got back down on the flats, but mostly took it easy. I hung out at the trailhead waiting for Mo and Daniel, who arrived shortly thereafter.

My knee? Felt great!

I did a little over 3 miles, and I'm guessing 500-700 feet of climbing. (I forgot my Garmin.) We followed it up with subway, a swim and rock band. All in all, a great Sunday afternoon :)

While I was slow and could tell I've put on 10 lbs (no joke), I was pleasantly surprised at how well my lungs did (considering it was hot and humid). Yay for the gym!

Looking forward to trying to get out to Sabino early morning this weekend. Add some hills and a little longer distance.

I'm feeling a little down about the weight and lack of running, but I can tell I'm at a good spot to slowly build up my mileage again. I feel confident that I'll be ready for Pemberton in February, woo hoo!!

6"x5" mixed media collage on a children's board book page. Available at my shop. SOLD!

He is getting married about six months after they met and started dating. I figured he would've learned his lesson the first time around (we met/married in six months).

For eleven years, he told me he didn't believe in the institution of marriage, that he wanted a divorce (although he wanted to stay in a relationship with me). A paper is meaningless, he said.

This shouldn't bother me. I'm the one who left. I'm the one who initiated the divorce. We had talked about it and talked about it; I agreed to stay in the relationship but the resentment grew and grew and grew and he refused to go to counseling and get healthy like I did and I finally said, enough! No relationship - even after the divorce. Paper or no paper. We're through. End of J/A. Period.

But it does bother me. It's yet another addition to the inconsistencies that I have become more and more aware of, the farther out from the relationship I get. I knew we were dysfunctional. I knew I didn't love him; that I only married him to get away from my family. I knew he didn't want me to leave because it would mean he wasn't loved - it didn't matter that it was *Angie* who left him, just that *he was left*. I knew I had given up of myself to be in the relationship.

But it wasn't until I finally broke free that I realized just. how. bad. we were together. The abusive cycle of power and control. The way he isolated me from my friends and family and told me he should be enough for me - that I didn't need anyone else but him. The way he told me he was the way, the truth and the light. The way he convinced me he was the only person I could trust in, believe in. That he was the only consistency in life. The intensity of his emotions and beliefs. The way I treated him - callous, dismissive, disrespectful - yet cowardly. The way I handed over my brain, my body, my soul, my beliefs. The way I rolled right over the warning signals in my head. The way he could slice and dice with his words on the occasions I spoke my warning signals aloud. I could not compete with his logic, his truth.

And the farther away I get, the more I realize just how flawed and inconsistent and hypocritical this judgmental, always-right person who believes in his truths so intensely is. Just how much he would say one thing and then do another - and then justify it all with his magical way of spinning words so fast and so elegantly and so intensely that the truth at the core of matter was always hidden and my questions and warning signs and fears so quickly mowed over.

This marriage is yet another kick in the gut - another reminder of how this person who convinced me so thoroughly that he was so consistent, so right, so precise, so perfect, so in line with his integrity, just isn't. He isn't who he convinced me he was. And 2 years later, I'm still hurt by that. I'm still mad at myself for falling into that. For believing it for so long.

It seems like he will be happy with her. She seems very nice. Maybe this one will last for him, maybe they won't fall into the same dysfunction that he and I did. Maybe he responds differently to her, and he doesn't treat her in the same way he treated me. And I sure hope she doesn't treat him the way I did. He deserves better than that. I really fervently hope that this marriage is a *good* thing for both of them - and most especially, for my son.

This impending marriage has also stimulated one other emotion in me: relief. He is truly no longer mine anymore. At the divorce, I was relieved that I no longer had to make excuses for him, no longer had to justify his behavior to my (few) friends and my family. But now - now - he will truly belong to someone else.

Relief that I am not married. Relief that 2 years later, I am still living on my own, living my life in the healthy way I want to live it. Relief that I am me, and I am in a relationship where we are equals, where we both choose together what we are doing and why, where I can say no I'm not comfortable with something or that I want to spend time alone and it's okay. Relief that I'm not close to marriage.

Relief that I am right where I want to be: with me.

My heart and thoughts go out to those who trained for such a huge race. Not only is it 100 miles, it's THE 100-mile event for ultrarunners. There are a lot of questions left in the wake of the cancellation; it will be interesting to see what happens.

iRunFar has a post on making lemonade out of the news; I'm curious to see what people will have to say about what they'll do instead or how they'll use this.

On other news, I have not really been running; however, I've been going to the gym about 3 times a week and am working on strengthening my body. I've also managed to create a habit of eating 5 fruit/veggie servings a day! That's awesome. What's not so awesome is that I've also been eating some higher fat stuff in the last two weeks. So, next up: cutting the (bad) fats out.

I'm still planning on training for Pemberton 50k in February. I'm so slow - I feel like, what's the point of running short races? I'll just come in close to last, and I know I can run shorter distances. At least with longer distances, I feel like I've accomplished something. I may be slow, but I can go far! (Provided I take care of my body, which is what this summer is about.)

Ash has been on vacation with his dad. I can't wait till I get him on Saturday morning :)

inspiration

Yes, in response to the e-mails I received, I am alive and well :) My knee did not allow me to hike Humphreys, so my friend Mo and I decided to head back in the fall and give it a go.

So here's what I was doing:

Oh yeah, and a little bit of this:

I ran!

Okay, so it was more like jogging, and I walked part of it. But whatev. I went for a run.

And it felt great. The knee didn't hurt until I started thinking about the hike I'm s'posed to do with my peeps in two weeks: Mt Humphreys, the tallest summit in AZ. 12,633 ft. 8-9ish miles to the top, 3000+ feet of climbing. Then my knee slightly twinged. But really, I think that's just psychosomatic (sp?). I hope, anyways.

And then I mapped out my strength training and run schedule (complete with baby steps for speedwork!) for the summer and plugged it into my calendar and sychronized that to my smartphone. And when I got home after work, I did my knee strengthening exercises, just like my smartphone nagged me to do! I love it!

And today I moved to phase II of my diet plan, which I haven't blogged about yet. I decided a few weeks ago that I was ready to be serious about getting healthy. And instead of focusing on what I shouldn't or didn't want to eat, I decided to focus on what I wanted to eat. Positive reinforcement, right? (It goes hand-in-hand with a fascinating techinque for public participation - my field of work - that I got to learn a little about last week called Appreciative Inquiry. Basically, the idea is that when people find what works in human systems (societies, organizations, cultures, family units) and then focus on doing that, they have a much better success rate than those who focus on what doesn't work.) Which dovetails nicely with my (usual) state of Pollyanna Positivity (the last three weeks excluded).

Where was I? Oh - the diet plan. Focus on what I WANT to eat. Okay - that means veggies and fruits. That means a specific target for caloric intake at each meal (except for dinner). It takes time to build new habits, new grooves in the brain, so my first thing to remember is baby steps. And grace. No "thou shalts" here. Flexibility and positivity is the focus.

So the last few weeks I focused on eating 1 veggie per day. Do you know how hard that was?! Wow, I hadn't realized that I wasn't in the habit of eating even 1 veggie per day. I averaged 1/day for maybe 4 days a week. I want consistency - every day (the idea being that I get in the habit of reaching for fruit instead of pudding or cake for a snack). The other focus was on waiting when I got hungry. Waiting just 30 minutes from the first sort of "I'm hungry" thoughts. Because usually, I'm not actually hungry. I'm just stressed.

Last week, I realized I could get two servings of fruits/veggies in one (awesome tasting) cup of new V8 fusion pomegranite blueberry juice. So that quickly upped me to 3 servings/day, just like that! This week I decided I'm going to aim for four servings/day. I made it today already! I like this, it gives me a goal and I feel good when I reach it (because I keep reaching it) and I know I'm building new grooves and new habits and before long it'll be second nature. Yay!

I'm still working on the waiting to eat thing - it's hard - I'm very much an emotional eater. But I did decide I'm ready for the next baby step: portion control (yikes!!!). Paying attention to my portions is the first step, along with leaving one bite behind. (Just one bite. That's easy.)

I'm telling you, I'm really digging this focus on what I WANT thing. I'm using it with my son, even. Talking with him about what I want for our family, getting his ideas on what he wants, giving him expectations, discussing how we interact. (We'd been having difficulties.) This feels good. And I'm using it in my relationship, as well. Focusing on what works, what we want, will get us there. Yay for baby steps to progress! (And three cheers for endorphins!!!)

I went to the gym on Saturday to do some elliptical and strength training. My knee was a little sore afterwards, but only a few twinges. I'm going to run tomorrow morning. I'm ready to get back into the swing of things.

What's on tap this summer: strengthening my knees and legs and rebuilding my running base - then start a little speedwork.

Goal run: Sabino Canyon to the top of Mt. Lemmon, November 2008 (with my trail running group). Uninjured. No goal time.

Goal race: Pemberton 50k, February 2009. Uninjured. Goal time: 6 hours.

Mileage goal for summer: 20 mpw
Mileage goal for fall: 30 mpw
Mileage goal for winter (ramping up to Pemberton): 40 mpw

The 20 mpw won't be so hard. The 30 will be tough. The 40 will be darn near impossible. It'll be fun :)

And I know I'll feel even better later this week after I take my knee out for a run.

I'd really love it if under the Christmas tree this year, there could a person who is a runner (or at least someone who is athletic/or has a hobby they are passionate about and can understand my love of running), who loves kids (at least, who loves my kid - or is willing to consider loving my kid), is couragous and brave, likes to talk, is funny, intelligent, likes scrabble, grooves to good music (or at least doesn't mind when I groove to good music), isn't worried about what other people think, is open-minded, who allows people who have their own thoughts and emotions, who is willing to explore their self and hopes and dreams, who has boundaries, knows how to express their feelings, isn't afraid at the thought of being a step-parent, wants to suck all the juicy drops out of the goodness of life, who sees the world as a glass half-full yet is realistic, who isn't fearful, who appreciates me for me, and who - most importantly of all - loves me and my son.

Now I know this is a tall order, but I won't lose faith that this person is out there somewhere.

Thanks Santa!
~Angie

PS Can you help my knee feel better so I can run again soon? I'd really like that :)

Also, with no running and too much emotional upset in my life, I'm hard at work at expressing myself through art. Here are two new pieces (if you click on them, it should take you to the flickr page with a description):

They'll be available soon at my shop.

Hopefully, it'll be healed up enough by mid-June, so when I go on a road trip with a couple friends, we can hike Mt. Humphreys (the highest peak in AZ - 12,633 ft) with a minimum amount of pain :)

I'm looking forward to a Memorial Day weekend bbq with friends this weekend, and resting. Also looking forward to mine and my friend Barb's joint birthday bash in a couple weeks (yes, my birthday was in April). We're both turning 30 this year; her bday's in June, mine's in April. We were going to have the bash in May, but it got moved back a couple weeks. I don't mind; I still get to have fun!

On a different note, my sister and her family are going through an incredibly difficult and sad time right now. For those of you who pray, she is asking for prayers. For those of you who don't pray, please send positive thoughts. They need a lot of strength to get through this.

I love you Kate!

In the meantime, I haven't run since Friday morning. But I did dance Saturday night at a friend's wedding (which, in hindsight, was a mistake!). I haven't been to the gym either, which sucks with all I'm going through emotionally.

I said if he wants me, he'll come find me. And he has. I'm wary, not sure of where we are heading, but we are taking tentative steps forward. I spelled out for him everything I wrote in the previous post. He knows exactly how I feel, how scared I am, how much this hurts. He gave me more insight into his feelings, his thought processes, what is going on inside him. I'm scared that if I wait more, it'll just prolong the pain. I'm not sure I'm making the right decision. Neither decision - staying or leaving - feels right. But this weekend, he started showing me how he feels, how much he wants me; so far, it's enough to keep me here a little longer. How much longer remains to be seen.

I gave myself permission to sleep in this morning; I don't have to run. But I need to.

I get up and I kiss him, willing him to kiss me back, grab me, clutch at me, want me. He lengthens the kiss, but doesn't persist when I start to pull away.

I get to the door and I wait, willing him to call me back, to say, "don't go."

When the words don't come, I leave.

I make the quick trip home, change into my running clothes and head out the door. It is sunrise, colors streaking through the clouds. Crisp air cools my lungs and dries the tear tracks on my cheeks. I start jogging.

It feels good to be moving, good to be out, to be alive. To know that *I* am still here. I head on my usual route, towards the park. I try to manage the voices in my head - he doesn't love me, I've lost my faith, why did I stick around for so long after the first warning flags...It takes the first loop around the park before I really start to feel what the voices are saying.

Oh my god, this person I've fallen in love doesn't love me back. I know he takes a long time to fall in love - he takes a long time to do anything, whether purchase a computer (9 months) or a car (2 years) or to fall in love (previous girlfriends - 12 and 15 months). But it's been 16 months, and the feelings still aren't there. He loves being around me. He loves spending time with me. We have fun together. We have amazing chemistry. But no love.

I'm gasping for breath, my tears welling up, splashing down. I come to a halt; I can't move. The sobs are ripping through my body, here in the grass at the park in the crisp morning air of a desert sunrise. The birds are chirping, people are waking up, starting their days. And I can't move.

I do the only thing I can think of: channel the energy into my legs. I start running, hard. Crying does me no good. Let's take that energy and put it to good use. Let's run.

And I do. I realize I have the power to deal with this break-up as best as I see fit. Which means I want to run. And paint. And remember that I knew it was a crapshoot. I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't love me in return. And I chose to stay anyway, I chose to love and give and spend time with him. It wasn't a waste. It was a beatiful, incredible, fun year of joy that I will always treasure. And now I feel all used up and worn out and I'm ready to be loved and wanted in return.

I run until my knee and hamstring twinge, then I stop and turn around to head home. I walk back, slowly, enjoying the morning.

He said he wasn't ready to give up. That he wants to love me. That he still thinks it's possible.

I'm not going to wait around anymore, wondering, waiting, hoping, wishing. It hurts too much. I'm going to channel my energy into my legs and move forward. If he really wants me, he'll come find me.

In the meantime, I'm going to run.