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September 18, 2007
The Pain Within
I've always been one to share my emotions best with the world while out on the open road, or as in the case tonight, while on the treadmill. Its when all the stress comes out and shows itself in the form of me pounding my feet on the road and emotion beams from my face.
As a few select people in my life knows, the past weekend was one of the hardest of my life. I came face-to-face with the fact that someone that is very precious to me, has a very real problem and requires a lot of help. Fortunately we see it now, but unfortunately it is at the cost of a lot of feelings of a lot of people. Her parents, her siblings, her grandparents. They all had to see the ugly truth and it hurt her parents so much that her dad hasn't been able to say anything to anyone since Saturday morning.
So tonight, I got on the treadmill and switched on my iPod, set the playlist that I needed to just go. I started running at a slowish pace, but kranked it up to go with the music. My thoughts went all over the place. I looked down to the console and saw that I've run for 22 minutes. And then it happened.
I started crying. Not little tears that stream slowly across your face in silence. Big, huge tears that came along with the very loud bawling. At first I tried to hold back. Then I realised it was hopeless. I hit the Emergency Stop button and got off. I took my towel and only realised that I left my water bottle once I got to the car.
A few people looked at me with concerned faces as I walked down the stairs, across the parking lot and got into my car, sobbing and crying all the way.
It took me thirty minutes to get home. I didn't stop crying. I carried on all the way out of the car, into the house, up two sets of stairs and into the room upstairs. I cried for the hurt I felt. I cried for the hurt the people in her family felt. I cried for the pain she must feel. And I cried because she doesn't seem to feel any pain.
And I sit here now, wondering whether things will be okay. And something in me says : It will. Because she is loved.
Written while listening to : Snow Patrol - Eyes Open (Digital Version) - Chasing Cars
Posted by karinm at September 18, 2007 8:45 PM
Comments
she may not get it now, and her actions right now are very painful, but she's got one thing going for her. she's got you as an example.
hang in there, karin!
Posted by: jeff at September 19, 2007 3:55 AM
Wow. I hope that things work out. I'm sure that she will see how much everyone around her cares.
Posted by: Karen at September 19, 2007 12:56 PM
i have been here .. this crying run, when you are hurting for someone you love. impossible to hold back ... it sort of sneaks up on you. keep runing, it will help you deal with your pain & hopefully serve as inspiration for this friend. hang in there. i wrote a similar post to this a few wees ago - read if you want ... "catharsis".
Posted by: suzanne at September 19, 2007 5:46 PM
Emergency stop buttons are required by most of us at least once in life, it's a shame they are only usually found on treadmills.
Hang in there and enjoy GNR, I'm in pink K, how about you?
Posted by: Angela at September 25, 2007 9:33 PM